As I look over my blog I realize I'm not a great blogger.. nor do I even do a good job of actually attempting to blog.
But new year, new efforts, and new things to blog about. So I'm going to once again attempt this blogging thing :) I know it has been over 6 months since my last blog, and I had started my list of 1,000 gifts that I'm thankful for. I have had more of a progress than my 20 that I had listed, but this is a great reminder to get my butt in gear to continue with this list. It took the girl in the book over a year to do it, and I'm already over 6 months, so I am way behind! I will continue to post up my progress on this.
Let me do a quick recap of the last 6 months, first off I will tell you that I have decided to be honest and true, and somethings people don't talk about, but I have found that by sharing my stories of both good and bad has helped me and moved me.
In October Dennis and I traveled to Mexico for his surprise birthday gift, what an amazing trip, we are pretty darn good at traveling together, and this trip was no exception to that. Together we took in the amazing sights, played in the ocean, learn about the Mayan culture, and were able to plan for our future together. We have been married for over 3 years and knew that one day we would feel the desire to have kids.
In August we had learned of the struggles that our friends were going through trying to conceive, and as this scared us, it always awoke us to the fact that when we do decide we can't just expect it to happen. We made a decision that until this couple could have their baby after their struggles we would wait, for no real reason, we just knew we needed to, just because we knew we wanted them to share in our joy and want them to have it first.
We were over joyed to find out in September (just a month later!) that they were expecting, so while we were in Mexico, D and I were able to reflect on our future and decide that we were ready to start trying.
On our second month of trying, I woke up Thanksgiving morning with this urgent nagging to take a pregnancy test, after an internal fight I decided to break down and take one (I had already taken a few and every time I had this sadness when it was negative). To my surprise the little digital test came up as positive. So excited that I couldn't keep it in, I instantly woke up Dennis and told him, and sent a picture to our friends that new we were trying. Than that day we told our family. Everything seemed perfect and happy. Than our struggles began.
3 days later, I could tell I was having cramping that didn't seem normal, the next morning I woke up and was bleeding, I knew this wasn't right. I waited 2 more days before I called the midwife and she urged me to come in, I ignored the request and than the next day the bleeding and cramping was worse, I decided I needed to go in ASAP. Dennis picked me up and we rushed to the doctors, the midwife very solemnly informed me I was having a miscarriage. I pulled myself together and understood what she was saying, we went home that night and had to tell our family that we lost the baby, that was the hardest part, I felt like every time we discussed it and told someone my heart broke just a little more.
The doctors had requested that I follow with my HCG levels (hormone level that only shows up in pregnant woman, its what turns the pee test positive). They called me that night and told me my levels were very very low and that I would need to come back next week for a follow up.
I spent the next day grieving and finally returned to work, after only half hour of work I got the phone call that my grandpa had passed that morning. My emotional state was back to pure chaos and pain. I have not had the sadness to deal with loss before. I have been fairly luckily that most deaths around me have happened while I was too young to be affected, but as an adult it was finally my time to deal with loss.
I know that my grandfather lived a great life, he was always cheerful and always engaging, he had been sick for the last month, and it was his time to stop hurting. I know this, but it still is hard to swallow.
One more week has passed and we continue to grieve, be there with our family, and try and move on in our own lives. I have my follow up HCG test.. shouldn't be anything unusual, I'm expecting the doctor to tell me my levels are almost to zero at this point, and I get the dreaded call that they have tripled in a week. This is not normal for a miscarriage, but they are still way too low for a viable pregnancy.
The midwives to decide to continue to monitor me before they make any decisions, 4 weeks later, 5 blood test, climbing HCG levels, 2 ultrasounds, and the midwives have referred me to an OB. Dr Sundwall has called and confirmed this is an ectopic pregnancy. (Which means the baby is somewhere outside my uterus, normally your tubes, which if the baby continues to grow can be very harmful to me. A baby in no way can survive and continue to grow in an Ectopic pregnancy.) He urges me to get methrotrexate shot to terminate the pregnancy and as he tells me to go in the next day he realizes that is Christmas day.
We decide to wait one more week as I can't bare to do it on Christmas. After the holiday weekend we go to the Dr., another blood test and another ultrasound, we get rushed to the hospital so that I can get 2 methotrexate injections, both in my butt :(
So the facts aside, how did this affect me? My emotional state this entire time has been shaky, all I know is that I am caring a baby that is either barely hanging on or has already passed. But, the most overwhelming emotion I have had is when I got the injection, I was not wanting it, I was avoiding it, and putting it off, I knew that was the end. That what ever was inside of me, I had to make the decision to terminate it. Once the first injection hit me I couldn't stop crying, I just knew what it was doing and it broke my heart. I can be totally fine and think of that shot and the rush of emotions run back over me.
I haven't had any side effects really, minor cramping, so physically I'm okay, but emotionally I'm still a mess. I try and act like I got it together, than those nagging stings of pain hit me when I see a beautiful growing belly, a happy face, a baby toy I forgot I had, or when I get that sad look from others.
We just approached a new year, a new life to start over, and I can't wait to see what 2012 will bring for us. 2011 was our year of lessons, I learned patience, contentment, joy, agape, how to serve, stronger spirituality, having to deal with true loss, and how to let go.
My resolutions this year are simple, first; strengthen relationships, with God, Dennis, Friends, Family and Coworkers. Second; to find my purpose, my God given gift and use it, don't hoard it, but spread it. We are only 6 days in this year, and I can already see the light at the end of my tunnel, I can see how God wants to use me, first to share my story and second to help others. I can't wait to share the changes in my heart over this coming year.
Thanks for reading my really really long post!!!
