So this weekend has by far been the hardest, teariest weekend by far, I feel like I did my full on freak out grieving. But what was nice is what came next. I have moved to my next step in grieving.
Acceptance, oh ya I am so ready for this step! After man tears, quiet time, and an amazing book (Kisses From Katie talk about an amazing journey of faith), I had an "ah-ha" moment. Katie was grieving over the loss of one of her children (the birth mother took her after 2 years) and she turned to God, to only realize that He understands, He knows her loss, His pain is worse, He killed his only son so that we can have salvation.
I put my book down and prayed. How can I continue to grieve the loss of my unborn child, when God has had to grieve the loss of his only son, but in Heaven they have been reunited. It felt freeing, the answer I had been seeking.
While I have been overwhelmed with my sadness, I have not been able to see the good things that have and will come from this loss. The growing that I have already seen in my heart, the communication this has brought between Dennis and I, the relationships that have grow in the midst of my tragedy.
Today is a good day, and I fell that tomorrow, next week, and next month will be too. Its not about forgetting a loss, its about moving on and still living afterwards.
I'm tired of hiding, of crying, of feeling deep sad loneliness, I'm tired of the pity, of the sad looks, I'm ready for acceptance.
So here I am one day at a time taking my life in my hands and handing the whole thing over to God, I'm ready to fulfill his path and stop making my own.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
21 - 40
Time to update the gifts I'm thankful for:
21: Hearing an expected "Thank You"
22: Surprise coffee
23: The large red sunset
24: Slowly waking up during my morning walk
25: Quiet time to reflect
26: Wind in Burton's face
27: Smell of fresh ground pepper
28: Nice glass of Pinot Noir
29: Watching my ring sparkle at church, brings me back to that day
30: The 'aha' moments after I realize God's presence
31: Dennis jumping to the need of others
32: Being there for a friend
33: Marriage ceremonies
34: Sharing my story
35: Seeing my sister Jess smile
36: Color to her cheeks
37: Sharing the message of God
38: Learning about the stories in the bible
39. Holding a warm cup of coffee
40: Wind rustling the leaves
I had already written all these down, but to reread them truly makes me happy. I can't wait to see what else comes out!
21: Hearing an expected "Thank You"
22: Surprise coffee
23: The large red sunset
24: Slowly waking up during my morning walk
25: Quiet time to reflect
26: Wind in Burton's face
27: Smell of fresh ground pepper
28: Nice glass of Pinot Noir
29: Watching my ring sparkle at church, brings me back to that day
30: The 'aha' moments after I realize God's presence
31: Dennis jumping to the need of others
32: Being there for a friend
33: Marriage ceremonies
34: Sharing my story
35: Seeing my sister Jess smile
36: Color to her cheeks
37: Sharing the message of God
38: Learning about the stories in the bible
39. Holding a warm cup of coffee
40: Wind rustling the leaves
I had already written all these down, but to reread them truly makes me happy. I can't wait to see what else comes out!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Been too long
As I look over my blog I realize I'm not a great blogger.. nor do I even do a good job of actually attempting to blog.
But new year, new efforts, and new things to blog about. So I'm going to once again attempt this blogging thing :) I know it has been over 6 months since my last blog, and I had started my list of 1,000 gifts that I'm thankful for. I have had more of a progress than my 20 that I had listed, but this is a great reminder to get my butt in gear to continue with this list. It took the girl in the book over a year to do it, and I'm already over 6 months, so I am way behind! I will continue to post up my progress on this.
Let me do a quick recap of the last 6 months, first off I will tell you that I have decided to be honest and true, and somethings people don't talk about, but I have found that by sharing my stories of both good and bad has helped me and moved me.
In October Dennis and I traveled to Mexico for his surprise birthday gift, what an amazing trip, we are pretty darn good at traveling together, and this trip was no exception to that. Together we took in the amazing sights, played in the ocean, learn about the Mayan culture, and were able to plan for our future together. We have been married for over 3 years and knew that one day we would feel the desire to have kids.
In August we had learned of the struggles that our friends were going through trying to conceive, and as this scared us, it always awoke us to the fact that when we do decide we can't just expect it to happen. We made a decision that until this couple could have their baby after their struggles we would wait, for no real reason, we just knew we needed to, just because we knew we wanted them to share in our joy and want them to have it first.
We were over joyed to find out in September (just a month later!) that they were expecting, so while we were in Mexico, D and I were able to reflect on our future and decide that we were ready to start trying.
On our second month of trying, I woke up Thanksgiving morning with this urgent nagging to take a pregnancy test, after an internal fight I decided to break down and take one (I had already taken a few and every time I had this sadness when it was negative). To my surprise the little digital test came up as positive. So excited that I couldn't keep it in, I instantly woke up Dennis and told him, and sent a picture to our friends that new we were trying. Than that day we told our family. Everything seemed perfect and happy. Than our struggles began.
3 days later, I could tell I was having cramping that didn't seem normal, the next morning I woke up and was bleeding, I knew this wasn't right. I waited 2 more days before I called the midwife and she urged me to come in, I ignored the request and than the next day the bleeding and cramping was worse, I decided I needed to go in ASAP. Dennis picked me up and we rushed to the doctors, the midwife very solemnly informed me I was having a miscarriage. I pulled myself together and understood what she was saying, we went home that night and had to tell our family that we lost the baby, that was the hardest part, I felt like every time we discussed it and told someone my heart broke just a little more.
The doctors had requested that I follow with my HCG levels (hormone level that only shows up in pregnant woman, its what turns the pee test positive). They called me that night and told me my levels were very very low and that I would need to come back next week for a follow up.
I spent the next day grieving and finally returned to work, after only half hour of work I got the phone call that my grandpa had passed that morning. My emotional state was back to pure chaos and pain. I have not had the sadness to deal with loss before. I have been fairly luckily that most deaths around me have happened while I was too young to be affected, but as an adult it was finally my time to deal with loss.
I know that my grandfather lived a great life, he was always cheerful and always engaging, he had been sick for the last month, and it was his time to stop hurting. I know this, but it still is hard to swallow.
One more week has passed and we continue to grieve, be there with our family, and try and move on in our own lives. I have my follow up HCG test.. shouldn't be anything unusual, I'm expecting the doctor to tell me my levels are almost to zero at this point, and I get the dreaded call that they have tripled in a week. This is not normal for a miscarriage, but they are still way too low for a viable pregnancy.
The midwives to decide to continue to monitor me before they make any decisions, 4 weeks later, 5 blood test, climbing HCG levels, 2 ultrasounds, and the midwives have referred me to an OB. Dr Sundwall has called and confirmed this is an ectopic pregnancy. (Which means the baby is somewhere outside my uterus, normally your tubes, which if the baby continues to grow can be very harmful to me. A baby in no way can survive and continue to grow in an Ectopic pregnancy.) He urges me to get methrotrexate shot to terminate the pregnancy and as he tells me to go in the next day he realizes that is Christmas day.
We decide to wait one more week as I can't bare to do it on Christmas. After the holiday weekend we go to the Dr., another blood test and another ultrasound, we get rushed to the hospital so that I can get 2 methotrexate injections, both in my butt :(
So the facts aside, how did this affect me? My emotional state this entire time has been shaky, all I know is that I am caring a baby that is either barely hanging on or has already passed. But, the most overwhelming emotion I have had is when I got the injection, I was not wanting it, I was avoiding it, and putting it off, I knew that was the end. That what ever was inside of me, I had to make the decision to terminate it. Once the first injection hit me I couldn't stop crying, I just knew what it was doing and it broke my heart. I can be totally fine and think of that shot and the rush of emotions run back over me.
I haven't had any side effects really, minor cramping, so physically I'm okay, but emotionally I'm still a mess. I try and act like I got it together, than those nagging stings of pain hit me when I see a beautiful growing belly, a happy face, a baby toy I forgot I had, or when I get that sad look from others.
We just approached a new year, a new life to start over, and I can't wait to see what 2012 will bring for us. 2011 was our year of lessons, I learned patience, contentment, joy, agape, how to serve, stronger spirituality, having to deal with true loss, and how to let go.
My resolutions this year are simple, first; strengthen relationships, with God, Dennis, Friends, Family and Coworkers. Second; to find my purpose, my God given gift and use it, don't hoard it, but spread it. We are only 6 days in this year, and I can already see the light at the end of my tunnel, I can see how God wants to use me, first to share my story and second to help others. I can't wait to share the changes in my heart over this coming year.
Thanks for reading my really really long post!!!
But new year, new efforts, and new things to blog about. So I'm going to once again attempt this blogging thing :) I know it has been over 6 months since my last blog, and I had started my list of 1,000 gifts that I'm thankful for. I have had more of a progress than my 20 that I had listed, but this is a great reminder to get my butt in gear to continue with this list. It took the girl in the book over a year to do it, and I'm already over 6 months, so I am way behind! I will continue to post up my progress on this.
Let me do a quick recap of the last 6 months, first off I will tell you that I have decided to be honest and true, and somethings people don't talk about, but I have found that by sharing my stories of both good and bad has helped me and moved me.
In October Dennis and I traveled to Mexico for his surprise birthday gift, what an amazing trip, we are pretty darn good at traveling together, and this trip was no exception to that. Together we took in the amazing sights, played in the ocean, learn about the Mayan culture, and were able to plan for our future together. We have been married for over 3 years and knew that one day we would feel the desire to have kids.
In August we had learned of the struggles that our friends were going through trying to conceive, and as this scared us, it always awoke us to the fact that when we do decide we can't just expect it to happen. We made a decision that until this couple could have their baby after their struggles we would wait, for no real reason, we just knew we needed to, just because we knew we wanted them to share in our joy and want them to have it first.
We were over joyed to find out in September (just a month later!) that they were expecting, so while we were in Mexico, D and I were able to reflect on our future and decide that we were ready to start trying.
On our second month of trying, I woke up Thanksgiving morning with this urgent nagging to take a pregnancy test, after an internal fight I decided to break down and take one (I had already taken a few and every time I had this sadness when it was negative). To my surprise the little digital test came up as positive. So excited that I couldn't keep it in, I instantly woke up Dennis and told him, and sent a picture to our friends that new we were trying. Than that day we told our family. Everything seemed perfect and happy. Than our struggles began.
3 days later, I could tell I was having cramping that didn't seem normal, the next morning I woke up and was bleeding, I knew this wasn't right. I waited 2 more days before I called the midwife and she urged me to come in, I ignored the request and than the next day the bleeding and cramping was worse, I decided I needed to go in ASAP. Dennis picked me up and we rushed to the doctors, the midwife very solemnly informed me I was having a miscarriage. I pulled myself together and understood what she was saying, we went home that night and had to tell our family that we lost the baby, that was the hardest part, I felt like every time we discussed it and told someone my heart broke just a little more.
The doctors had requested that I follow with my HCG levels (hormone level that only shows up in pregnant woman, its what turns the pee test positive). They called me that night and told me my levels were very very low and that I would need to come back next week for a follow up.
I spent the next day grieving and finally returned to work, after only half hour of work I got the phone call that my grandpa had passed that morning. My emotional state was back to pure chaos and pain. I have not had the sadness to deal with loss before. I have been fairly luckily that most deaths around me have happened while I was too young to be affected, but as an adult it was finally my time to deal with loss.
I know that my grandfather lived a great life, he was always cheerful and always engaging, he had been sick for the last month, and it was his time to stop hurting. I know this, but it still is hard to swallow.
One more week has passed and we continue to grieve, be there with our family, and try and move on in our own lives. I have my follow up HCG test.. shouldn't be anything unusual, I'm expecting the doctor to tell me my levels are almost to zero at this point, and I get the dreaded call that they have tripled in a week. This is not normal for a miscarriage, but they are still way too low for a viable pregnancy.
The midwives to decide to continue to monitor me before they make any decisions, 4 weeks later, 5 blood test, climbing HCG levels, 2 ultrasounds, and the midwives have referred me to an OB. Dr Sundwall has called and confirmed this is an ectopic pregnancy. (Which means the baby is somewhere outside my uterus, normally your tubes, which if the baby continues to grow can be very harmful to me. A baby in no way can survive and continue to grow in an Ectopic pregnancy.) He urges me to get methrotrexate shot to terminate the pregnancy and as he tells me to go in the next day he realizes that is Christmas day.
We decide to wait one more week as I can't bare to do it on Christmas. After the holiday weekend we go to the Dr., another blood test and another ultrasound, we get rushed to the hospital so that I can get 2 methotrexate injections, both in my butt :(
So the facts aside, how did this affect me? My emotional state this entire time has been shaky, all I know is that I am caring a baby that is either barely hanging on or has already passed. But, the most overwhelming emotion I have had is when I got the injection, I was not wanting it, I was avoiding it, and putting it off, I knew that was the end. That what ever was inside of me, I had to make the decision to terminate it. Once the first injection hit me I couldn't stop crying, I just knew what it was doing and it broke my heart. I can be totally fine and think of that shot and the rush of emotions run back over me.
I haven't had any side effects really, minor cramping, so physically I'm okay, but emotionally I'm still a mess. I try and act like I got it together, than those nagging stings of pain hit me when I see a beautiful growing belly, a happy face, a baby toy I forgot I had, or when I get that sad look from others.
We just approached a new year, a new life to start over, and I can't wait to see what 2012 will bring for us. 2011 was our year of lessons, I learned patience, contentment, joy, agape, how to serve, stronger spirituality, having to deal with true loss, and how to let go.
My resolutions this year are simple, first; strengthen relationships, with God, Dennis, Friends, Family and Coworkers. Second; to find my purpose, my God given gift and use it, don't hoard it, but spread it. We are only 6 days in this year, and I can already see the light at the end of my tunnel, I can see how God wants to use me, first to share my story and second to help others. I can't wait to share the changes in my heart over this coming year.
Thanks for reading my really really long post!!!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
20 Gifts
I started my list of gifts.. it was harder than I had expected.. not quite sure why, I think I have been over thinking it. I will think of something and than think that stupid and not write it down, but I'm pretty sure I will need that stupid gift, love or something that I'm thankful for to fill my 1000!
I'm going to blog them 20 at a time, so here is the 1st set of 20!
1. mmmm, the sound from Dennis after a home cooked meal
2. Watching the waves lap the side of our boat
3. Great conversations with friends
4. Feelings, love, empathy, contentment, happiness and mercy
5. The burn of the sun
6. The feeling of freedom after you jump in the water
7. The smile from Dennis from across the room
8. Sand on your feet
9. The waves of the ocean rush over your feet
10. Watching Burton run and play
11. Dennis captaining our boat
12. Smell of fresh ground coffee
13. Chapstick
14. Loosing track of time
15. Leaving my cell behind
16. Reading a book
17. Paying bills
18. Organizing
19. Taking a hot shower
20. Gizmo's cry of love
I'm going to blog them 20 at a time, so here is the 1st set of 20!
1. mmmm, the sound from Dennis after a home cooked meal
2. Watching the waves lap the side of our boat
3. Great conversations with friends
4. Feelings, love, empathy, contentment, happiness and mercy
5. The burn of the sun
6. The feeling of freedom after you jump in the water
7. The smile from Dennis from across the room
8. Sand on your feet
9. The waves of the ocean rush over your feet
10. Watching Burton run and play
11. Dennis captaining our boat
12. Smell of fresh ground coffee
13. Chapstick
14. Loosing track of time
15. Leaving my cell behind
16. Reading a book
17. Paying bills
18. Organizing
19. Taking a hot shower
20. Gizmo's cry of love
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Eucharisteo
Eucharisteo; what does it mean to you? I'm sure you just googled it. If you did you may have found this:
Eucharisteo–Greek. yoo-khar-is-teh’-o. Verb. Definition: 1.To be grateful, to feel thankful. 2. Give thanks
The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning grace.
So now let me ask that same question, What does Eucharisteo mean to you? I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. I have been reading is an understatement, its probably been a few months, which isn't like me with a book, but it has taken me a while to finish it, its the first book I have read on my kindle, sometimes I forget about it. I can't say go get it read it, its the best book ever, it took me a long time to even enjoy it, I felt like for a while there I was forcing myself to read it. But I almost think that was the point, because now I get it, I understand the point, it makes me think. That's what is supposed to happen! :)
So I've decided I'm going to do the challenge that she takes on in the book. Write down 1,000 things that you are thankful for. It may sound easy or stupid, but I can see the progress that this challenge took her. Starting with vague things, like people or places, to specific creations of God's moment.
The other book I'm reading Contraian's Guide to Knowing God-Spirituality for the Rest of Us talks about how at growth groups we go to make friends and meet people, but the point of them is to feel connected with each other and with God. I see that being the end point of this challenge, to feel more connected with the things we are grateful for and the reason we have them.
I want to stop thinking negative and have a little faith. I don't want to follow the spirit, I want the spirit in me to guide me. Thats what I'm seeking. So lets see how it goes, I will try and put up a report, since I know I'm not so good at blogging. I have all intentions, but than I forget! :)
Let's see how it goes.........
Eucharisteo–Greek. yoo-khar-is-teh’-o. Verb. Definition: 1.To be grateful, to feel thankful. 2. Give thanks
The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning grace.
So now let me ask that same question, What does Eucharisteo mean to you? I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. I have been reading is an understatement, its probably been a few months, which isn't like me with a book, but it has taken me a while to finish it, its the first book I have read on my kindle, sometimes I forget about it. I can't say go get it read it, its the best book ever, it took me a long time to even enjoy it, I felt like for a while there I was forcing myself to read it. But I almost think that was the point, because now I get it, I understand the point, it makes me think. That's what is supposed to happen! :)
So I've decided I'm going to do the challenge that she takes on in the book. Write down 1,000 things that you are thankful for. It may sound easy or stupid, but I can see the progress that this challenge took her. Starting with vague things, like people or places, to specific creations of God's moment.
The other book I'm reading Contraian's Guide to Knowing God-Spirituality for the Rest of Us talks about how at growth groups we go to make friends and meet people, but the point of them is to feel connected with each other and with God. I see that being the end point of this challenge, to feel more connected with the things we are grateful for and the reason we have them.
I want to stop thinking negative and have a little faith. I don't want to follow the spirit, I want the spirit in me to guide me. Thats what I'm seeking. So lets see how it goes, I will try and put up a report, since I know I'm not so good at blogging. I have all intentions, but than I forget! :)
Let's see how it goes.........
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What now:
We were asked to write a little bit about our Uganda Mission for the HCCP newsletter, normally I would jump at the opportunity to talk about our trip, but I didn't really know what to say. Wow, I was at a loss for words!! hahah
I have a hard time putting to paper what I feel/felt about our trip. I still have a hard time even going back to "normal" life. I feel like Uganda is still calling for me, like I left something behind that I just can't wait to return to. But I know that I also have a life here that I need to attend to. That I have to be "responsible" for now, and can't just run off on another mission so soon.
I was just reading Eastlake's Mission Blog and read this today:
we are all missionaries, it just depends on what your mission is.
For some people, their mission is being an excellent mom. Or curing cancer. Or teaching children well. Or being an honest businessman. Or leading people towards health. Or having an influential marriage.
You are a missionary for whatever it is that you are passionate about. You don’t have to travel to Africa to be on a mission. You just have to be willing to tell people about what you love.
But you can travel to Africa, or anywhere else for that matter, if you want :)
Wow, that hit me, that was meant for me, that was written for me! hahaha
Now time to continue to be a missionary, continue to serve God, and continue to find my passion.
The biggest thing that I found while in Uganda was peace, peace with my life, peace in my mind, and peace and love in my marriage. It gave me a strong desire to continue to be a better person, to give more than I take, and to keep smiling, even when I'm having a bad day, cause its truly never that bad.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Give more than you take..
Give more than you take... what exactly does that mean to you? Does that mean give when it feels right? Give when you get some recognition? Give when it fits in your schedule, your comfort zone?
That isn't what it is supposed to mean, but seems to be the way we take it.
I have heard this statement over and over, but have I lived it? Not really. I'm trying to decide what it means for me, what changes I need to make in my life to make this statement real.
I'm sure most people think that I'm a busy body, always have something that I'm doing, some party I'm throwing, some cause I'm hot on for the moment, or some way I'm trying to get people to donate for something. But I feel that if you think I'm doing too much, or trying to do too much, you probably aren't doing enough!
How can you live your life to its fullest and still feel like you gave back? Enjoy life but help others? This is going to be different for everyone. For some they just want to write a check and forget about it, one amount every month and they feel good. Some want to donate their time instead of money. Others want to donate everything they have and still not think its enough. Are any of those wrong? Not in my eyes, because you have to start somewhere, we can't all expect to be in the same place to give, have the time, the money and the willingness.
How about we just start with willingness, dreams, and passion and see where that takes us. I have been searching for my purpose in life for a while now. Trying to find your passion first, that will end up driving your purpose. Sometimes we look right over it. So be busy, try to help more, but in everything you do, stop and think about what it is, how it makes you feel and if you want to do more.
Don't be afraid to question what your doing, make changes that lead to your purpose, don't try and make your purpose change to fit your life. Let God lead it, he has a divine plan for our lives, we just have to figure out what that is and do it!
That isn't what it is supposed to mean, but seems to be the way we take it.
I have heard this statement over and over, but have I lived it? Not really. I'm trying to decide what it means for me, what changes I need to make in my life to make this statement real.
I'm sure most people think that I'm a busy body, always have something that I'm doing, some party I'm throwing, some cause I'm hot on for the moment, or some way I'm trying to get people to donate for something. But I feel that if you think I'm doing too much, or trying to do too much, you probably aren't doing enough!
How can you live your life to its fullest and still feel like you gave back? Enjoy life but help others? This is going to be different for everyone. For some they just want to write a check and forget about it, one amount every month and they feel good. Some want to donate their time instead of money. Others want to donate everything they have and still not think its enough. Are any of those wrong? Not in my eyes, because you have to start somewhere, we can't all expect to be in the same place to give, have the time, the money and the willingness.
How about we just start with willingness, dreams, and passion and see where that takes us. I have been searching for my purpose in life for a while now. Trying to find your passion first, that will end up driving your purpose. Sometimes we look right over it. So be busy, try to help more, but in everything you do, stop and think about what it is, how it makes you feel and if you want to do more.
Don't be afraid to question what your doing, make changes that lead to your purpose, don't try and make your purpose change to fit your life. Let God lead it, he has a divine plan for our lives, we just have to figure out what that is and do it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)